The other day a friend asked me a question that I was able to answer rather quickly. The problem is, I did not give her the correct answer and I knew it the minute the words left my mouth although I did not bother to correct my answer.
The question was “Do you know anyone whose present life is not affected by something in their past?” Well me believing that I totally control my present life, dumbly answered me.
But every since then, my past has been haunting me as if letting me know that I am as much of a liar as anyone else who would claim they weren’t affected by events or people in their past.
,One of my biggest issues is confrontations. I not only hate confrontations, I avoid them like the plague. This has caused me to be hurt, used, walked over, missed receiving things that I should have had and many other life incidents that had I just spoke up, would have had such a different outcome.
So what is it from my past that causes my present day fear of confrontations? Good question and here is your answer.
My grandmother. I was raised by great people and I am thankful for the life I had versus the life I could have had. But my grandmother was an extremely confrontational person. I have more memories of her yelling, (at anyone), than I do not. She would yell and cuss my grandfather to the point I would have nightmare at night of her killing him. This is truth. Now as far as I know neither of them ever lifted a finger at each other and try as I may I cannot recall a time that my grandfather actually yelled back. But I do have one really funny memory of my grandmother being so mad one evening at dinner that not only was she yelling at my grandfather but she was chasing him around the dinner table and he was laughing at her. I have no idea what that was about nor do I remember the outcome. I think she finally sit down and we had dinner.
To this day when I hear people yelling I freeze up. And yes I have been known to yell a few times myself, but I don’t like it and when I do it is in the moment and I have given no thought to it whatsoever. It’s thinking about having to confront someone that gives me anxiety.
So yes, my present is in part controlled by my past. As I am sure many people’s are. Now that I have actually admitted that to myself I can confront those demons and remove them from my present. At this moment I am not sure how to go about that. I still cower to every possible confrontation even if it is just to disagree with someone. But I am working on self-talk and letting myself know it is ok to speak up. I think that is the key here. Being ok with speaking up.
So if someone were to ask you what in your present is affected by your past what would your answer be? We all have something.
This weeks challenge is to acknowledge your demons. You don’t have to confront them if your not ready, but once you are aware of them you can begin the process of figuring out how to stop them from affecting your present day life. This is where I am today. I am so hyper-aware of them now that I can see exactly when they rear their ugly heads and the heart palpitations and throat closing begins. I am facing and challenging my demons so that eventually I will conquer them.
Face it….Challenge it………Conquer it